Download a print-ready PDF of this Hermie the HR Hermit Crab cartoon.
Panel 1:
Hermie: Hi, Boss, you wanted to see me?
Boss Betta: Hermie, we need to step up our hiring game. We need workers I can plug in immediately to get the work done.
Panel 2:
Boss Betta: I want you to add the following to the requirements for our shop floor associates.
Hermie: You mean the hamsters and gerbils?
Boss Betta: I prefer “associates,” Hermie. It’s more inclusive and has a ring of class.
Hermie: Proceed, please…
Panel 3:
Boss Betta: Must have an advanced degree, have run at least two marathons, and have worked for NASA. We, of course, will accept applicants from Big 5 firms or a Fortune 100 company.
Hermie: To run on wheels all day?
Panel 4:
Boss Betta: We want workers who can hit the ground running… literally. We also want to plug them into other areas of the business without having to go through all that training, which takes time and resources.
Hermie: But research shows that upfront costs in training and onboarding, plus continuous learning saves the company marginal costs of attrition and burnout over time. It results in a more engaged and value-creating workforce.
Panel 5:
Boss Betta: But, I want results NOW from people who can demonstrate expert competence on day one.
Hermie: Well, we could hire contingent workers as contractors.
Boss Betta: But, I want control over their work, hours, process, and time.
Hermie: But, that’s not really how that works…
Panel 6:
Boss Betta: I’ve made up my mind, Hermie. The new job description should be short and sweet: “Associates wanted to deliver premium value at our top-notch firm. Apply now for more information. Be sure to include transcripts, a cover letter, EEOC information, our personality assessment, 5 references, your social media accounts, and work samples.”
Hermie: Would you like that with or without a blood sample?
Boss Betta: Surprise me.
Fair. That one got away from me. Let’s fix it.
When Hiring Gets in Its Own Way
In this Hermie cartoon, Boss Betta wants a simple thing: better hires, faster.
What he builds instead is a hiring process so bloated it chokes off the very talent he’s trying to attract.
You can see it unfold here:
Hermie’s reactions say what a lot of HR leaders are thinking but don’t always get to say out loud.
The Wish List Problem
“Advanced degree.”
“Ran two marathons.”
“Worked at NASA.”
For a role that runs on wheels all day.
This is what happens when job requirements drift away from the work itself. It usually starts with good intentions. A hiring manager adds one “nice to have.” Then another. Then someone else adds a credential to “raise the bar.” Before long, the role is written for a unicorn.
What you get back isn’t a stronger pipeline. You get fewer applicants, longer time-to-fill, and a lot of head-scratching about why “no one wants to work.”
Speed Without Support Doesn’t Hold
Boss Betta wants people who can deliver results on day one and move across the business without training.
That pressure shows up in a lot of organizations right now. Teams are lean. Deadlines are tight. There’s no appetite for long ramp-up periods.
But when onboarding and training are stripped down or skipped, the work doesn’t magically get easier. It shifts onto:
- Managers who have to fill the gaps
- High performers who get pulled in to rescue projects
- New hires who are trying to figure things out in real time
The result is slower execution, not faster. And usually more frustration on all sides.
The Control Tangle
There’s a great moment in the cartoon where Boss Betta suggests hiring contractors… and then immediately wants control over their schedule, process, and output.
That tension is everywhere right now.
Organizations want flexibility and speed. They also want consistency and control. Those don’t always line up cleanly.
If you need someone tightly integrated into your team, aligned to your systems, and accountable to your internal processes, you’re talking about an employee experience. Trying to force that structure onto contingent work creates confusion and risk.
When the Process Becomes the Barrier
The “short and sweet” job description at the end is anything but:
- Transcripts
- Assessments
- References
- Social profiles
- Work samples
And maybe a blood sample, depending on the day.
Most candidates won’t say anything. They’ll just stop halfway through the process.
The strongest candidates, the ones with options, are usually the first to opt out. Not because they aren’t interested, but because the process signals what working there might feel like.
Slow, complicated, and a little disconnected from reality.
What’s Actually Going On Underneath
Cartoons exaggerate, but this one points to something real.
When hiring gets this complicated, it’s often covering for deeper gaps:
- Roles that aren’t clearly defined
- Work that isn’t well documented
- Knowledge that lives in people’s heads instead of systems
- No consistent approach to developing talent
So the organization leans harder on hiring to solve it. More requirements. More filters. More steps.
That doesn’t fix the underlying issue. It just makes hiring heavier.
A More Practical Way Forward
A few shifts make a noticeable difference:
Tighten the connection between the role and the work.
Write requirements that reflect what someone actually needs to do in the first 90 days.
Plan for ramp-up.
Even experienced hires need context. Build it in instead of hoping to skip it.
Decide where you need control.
If the role requires it, structure it that way. If it doesn’t, don’t force it.
Simplify the candidate experience.
Every extra step should earn its place. If it doesn’t help you make a better decision, it’s friction.
None of this is flashy. It just works.
If This Feels Familiar…
It might be worth taking a step back and looking at how your organization is set up to support hiring in the first place.
We put together a simple diagnostic to help with that.
👉 Take the Workplace Culture Scorecard
https://harmoniousworkplaces.com/workplace-culture-scorecard/
It gives you a quick read on where things are working and where they’re getting stuck, including hiring, onboarding, and day-to-day execution.
More from Hermie
This cartoon is part of a bigger set of stories about how work actually plays out inside organizations.
📘 Check out Hermie’s third book
https://harmoniousworkplaces.com/hermie-the-hr-hermit-crab/
You’ll see a lot of these moments show up in different ways, from trust issues to leadership breakdowns to the day-to-day reality of getting work done.
Turning This Into Action
If hiring feels harder than it should, it’s usually connected to how change is being handled across the organization.
🔧 Take a look at our Change Execution & Adoption work
https://harmoniousworkplaces.com/change-execution-adoption/
That’s where we help teams get aligned on how work actually flows, how people are brought into it, and how changes stick.
Hermie’s joking about the “blood sample,” but the frustration behind it is real. When hiring gets overloaded, it slows everything down. Clean it up, and the rest of the system starts to move again.
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